She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
