Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
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