i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
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