i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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