saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
