I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
