ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize