a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
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