i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
