You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
