why didn't you poke me back
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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