Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Randomize
