Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
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