guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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