there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
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