woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize