i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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