I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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