WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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