At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
I want to be your penis for a week.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Randomize
