You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
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