I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Randomize
