dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Randomize
