I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
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