Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Randomize
