Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
