onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Randomize
