I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Randomize
