We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
