I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
