I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
