I faked an abortion last night.
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
bring money and cleavage
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
