I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
