i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
