god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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