no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
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