I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Drunk is a universal language darling
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
