so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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