Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Randomize
