My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
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