So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize