I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
