Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
