he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Randomize
