we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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