There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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