I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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