please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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