Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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