Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
you made out with another girl for some wings
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
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