Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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