Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
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