mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
