Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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