can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize