So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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