You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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