im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
