I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
