I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
