who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
My ass is underappreciated
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
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