dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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