True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
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