I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Randomize
